1. We always break into a dance with our significant other. The alpha couple is usually accompanied by an army of dancers ( Sha’i'mak Davar’s troupe of m*nkeys ) dancing in sync but wearing less flashy clothing and conveniently staying in the deep end of the camera’s depth of field. We like jump-zooms edited rhythmically to the beats of the soundtrack. There are sudden surreal urges where the dancers appear to dance on water, play with silk fabrics & swiftly move from one position to the other ( effect enhanced by flash edits and additive transitions ).

2. We often like to talk about relationships. Since the sex ratio in the country is so bad, these talks usually turn into epic battles of love & sacrifice, where two male friends have a thing for one female. I really don’t need to tell you about the twists and turns building up to the final destination, but in order to save your time, one of the dudes dies of Cancer or some other really virulent disease, or in extreme cases of brave film-making; bullet wounds. The remaining characters immediately start preparing for their big Indian Wedding which almost always looks like a Punjabi wedding no matter what the background of the characters in question. Indians appear to wear turbans as well.

3. We like to wear gaudy clothes with really bad colour combinations. Purple, Red, Yellow… bring it on, as long as light reflects some colour off of it. It is fun to see people going out shopping for the exact same clothes, where instead of cultivating one’s own sense of style, we prefer to look like ten thousand other people who have watched the same movie and bought the same set of clothes. Communists would love to use Hindi movies to promote their propaganda on superficial equality. Same goes for jewelery and ornaments. We aren’t obese, but we like the feeling of being a tad over-weight once in a while. Watch out for Indian women traveling back from Dubai. I wonder how the flight makes it across the Arabian Sea with all that extra weight in wearable gold.

4. We like anything which is even slightly related to Sufiyana. Where ignorance meets bliss, people like Himesh Reshamiya reside. We relish stock tunes and synthesized pop beats. We also like the concept of playback where the actors don’t sing, they lip-sync, where some one who is less presentable aesthetically sings for them. I’d really like to see Kumar Sanu rolling down the Swiss Alps ( highly unlikely that’ll ever happen, but I’ll close this blog the day I see a ton of snow scraped off of a Swiss mountain side exposing it’s earthy core ).

5. We are an emotional lot. We laugh at the silliest of jokes and cry at the most trivial of situations….. but, we get up no matter what, and fight our battles ( most likely against a dear childhood friend, and over a girl they both met a month back - I am NOT making this up… almost every friend I know who goes to a science college { esp. engineers.. where there are 4 gals to 29 guys } has this problem )

6. We occasionally enjoy “item” numbers. This is an interesting topic, I could go on scoffing it for hours on end, but I’ll keep it short and possibly sweet. Now what exactly is an item number? in absolute layman’s terms, an ‘item’ would be something which is in great demand. It’s in our culture for some female dancer to dance like there is no tomorrow in order to seduce an average of atleast 100K males per dance session. So much for natural selection; Darwin should have watched a few Bollywood movies instead of sailing all the way to the Galapagos. Way to go Billo Chamanbahar!

7. We adore Slavic & Baltic models who can/could perform item numbers. It’s like getting to know how it all started in the Caucasus mountains. It’s a deep rooted fantasy of the Indian audience to watch these models perform silly dance numbers… add some snow to the equation and we’ve got ourselves a winner. ( note : an item number featuring a Slavic model on a snow covered peak is bound to work… presuming this hasn’t already been done in Hindi Cinema.. I now own the rights to this idea ).

8. We like Switzerland, not because of the chocolates, big cows with huge udders or it’s anonymous banking system, but for it’s milky white snow for our actors to roll on. There is nothing more divine than to roll on soft consistent Swiss snow in slow-motion. If our actors keep rolling on those peaks, we are bound to find more snow covered artifacts from the bygone era.

9. We like Jyotish, Numerology and other such stuff which makes us change our names from time to time. Ahh! so Jupiter moved out from it’s place? ( scientifically, planets usually are on the move ), not to worry, add an R to Rrutam so that it pleases the numerologist.
Feel free to drop and add vowels to your name/co’s name or your mobile manufacturer’s name. Add in an “O” to your new Moto and feel free to call it the MOOTOROLA, that’ll give you fame, fortune and the power to fight filthy cellphone-marketeers. Hard-work, calculated risks & even that iota of good luck stand no chance when you’ve got numerology on your side, or perhaps it’s ssiiede not side. Call your numero! make him rich!

10. Lastly, no matter what the requirement of the film, YOU NEED TO HAVE THIS SCENE SOMEWHERE IN SOME SONG OF THE MOVIE! ( This scene is mandatory when it comes to compiling a movie trailor )

{ SRK with his hands apart, his body slightly out of balance… tilted like the leaning tower of PISA… and an expression which is a combination of sage like wisdom & complete exaltation ( with a bit of machismo somewhere in there ). Is there such a feeling in this world which can beat the soft caress of wind under one’s armpits? I think not.

So I’ll be adding more “Indians like to” articles ( feels nice to have my drivel categorized as articles ) to my blog. Actually feel free to let me know what you’d like to know about India or Indians and I’ll try my level best to come up with funny, hurtful & relevant answers. Imagine this to be my version of Chappelle’s “Ask a _____ dude”

Now, how many of you have taken the trouble of going through your SPAM? ( or new-age spam as I refer to it. Old-school SPAM was relevant, contextual & had a decent sales pitch ). Well I for one usually receive around 10-12 new-age spam mails everyday and Gmail with the alacrity of an evangelist against spam… conveniently sorts it out for me into the SPAM box, only to delete those unread mails 30 days later. Imagine someone trying so hard as to send out 10-12 e-mails jam packed with content, which when reaching it’s destination go straight into the trash, well not straight in.. but almost. Well someone had to discern and analyze what new-age SPAM was all about.I started scouring through these so called SPAM messages and surprisingly stumbled upon an underworld of varied marketing campaigns, everything from Sex, Drugs, quick $$$ & Guns. A marketing sub-being, which I’d visualize to be a cross between a self made hawker & an unsuccessful mob boss. The best way to make this thought palatable is to compare SPAM directly to personified FAILURE ( it might be harsh, but it’s an accurate reflection ). Spam is the alternate universe filled with marketeers who have obviously failed to make it in the real world; cause and it’s effect. It’s like those Brazilian Favelas, and the Indian Slumlines.. where we all are aware of the dark demons that lie behind, but are afraid to confront those with a rational stream of thought & a sound, open mind. Like I said before, things just had to change!

After scouring through the SPAM box like wealthy merchants going through their wad of cash to point out that ONE odd looking 100 rupee note glowing with “antique” character, here are some of the best ( and classiest ) SPAM messages that I have received in my Gmail SPAM box. These verbiage filled insults are examples of how NOT to compose one’s sales pitch. My comments in round brackets.

-Icrease Your S’exual Desire and S’perm volume by 500%
( expect a bucket not a canister the next time you goto a sperm donation center )

-L’onger o’rgasms - The longest most intense o’rgasms of your life
( one might as well die at that very moment and not regret it )

-Rock hard e’rections - E’rections like steel
( this is truly disturbing! sounds like a tag-line for Hiranandani Builders? )

-E’jaculate like a porn star - Stronger ejaculation
( why? should I ask porn stars to make sensible films? Post-modernists and De-constructionists are so proud of me right now )

-Multiple o’rgasms - C’um again and again
( this has the rhyme-n-ring-quality of a hit love ballad! )

-S’PUR-M is The Newest and The Safest Way of Ph’armacy
( this supposedly is the name of the product, s0 w3ry l337 and k3w1 )

-100% Natural and No Side E’ffects - in contrast to well-known brands.
( if an erection like steel ISN’T a side-effect I’d like to know what those other well-known brands have to offer in their arsenal of side-effects )

-Experience three times longer o’rgasms
( hmm, the product name, punchline and a stab to make a pitch again. What happened to well-formed ad briefs? )

-World Wide shipping within 24 hours
( I really feel like spending 9 USD on their product so that I can give these people an oceanic yatch address, which I know they’ll not deliver to )

So what is wrong ( apart from it being grouse )

1. WRONG AUDIENCE

Oookaay! now who in one’s right mind would sell Viagra …in that manner? At least get your demographics right? I am a 20 something guy with average hormonal activity ( reactivity is the right word in this context ). I’d think of buying something like Viagra ( or SPURM in this case, great branding idea guys!) ONLY when I have trouble performing ( and it isn’t performing arts that I am referring to here..)

2. ADDING A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE WORD “TYPO-GRAPHY”

Self-explanatory really… but I’ll add in a “Stock Investment” SPAM message to elaborate on the same.

“eeenter in2 japnis stooock markeeet, .g.aining currency xchang.e. pro-fits”…

Who is writing the copy? Lil Jon??? skeet skeet!! Is it some guerrilla ad-agency which has employed the indigenous people of neverland who don’t know what a spell-check is? Well, PeterPan needs to get some work done in that field.. Tinkerbell go hit Shift+F7!

3. SIMPLE & BOLD or a bit too SIMPLE and BOLD?

I was browsing through case studies done by Ad firms.. and the “simple, shocking, bold” mantra strangely connected with the SPAM industry. This is what M&C Saatchi have to say about their work/creative philosophy.

. Be excruciatingly bold..

I wonder if our SPAMster friends get to step up in life using crude & direct verbiage as “increase sperm volume by 500%” It’s best if we refrain from diving into this “pool” of thought any deeper.

Though statistics state that SPAM actually has a hit percentage of 60-70%. I am not sure what is more worrying, SPAM, PEOPLE WHO BUY THESE PRODUCTS or SPAM STATISTICS ( or the people who waste their time writing about SPAM…) [ erhmm!! ]

[ This report was brought to you after hours of research on SPAM; practical & theoretical, and in no way are these aforementioned accounts/examples mere figments of the author’s imagination. NO! it’s real.. incr’ea’se u’r cl’i'maax’ no’w ]

Aah yes.. and Chantal Kreviazuk soothed my soul for 4 hours now, the same song played over and over ( deja vous? ), but when it came to typing her name out, I have to confess.. a quick ALT+TAB to Winamp helped me out with the spelling ( it’s pronounciation it is a different story altogether ). This is much like the song itself, where the tune got stuck in my head ( 4 hours of straight looping, no wonder ), and her Ukrainian name left on a Jet Plane to Canada.

Ok, so back to 4:51 AM ( now 4:57 courtesy my unorthodox typing style, where I refrain from using my little finger or whatever that appendage is called. So I could dramatically define my typing style as lacking finesse and not compensating for the same in function. Evolution will take good care of my little finger! ). My observation for the day is that time flies when one loops a song over and over again for hours, so much so that I could force a metaphoric connection between music & a tobacco leaf neatly tucked away in one’s lower lip and spread the word, but that, I’ll do some other time and attach a 25 page report justifying the comparison. For now half the battle has been won just digressing without reaching a solid conclusion. So back.. to my design saga..

It was a rough design night-day-whatever, 4 hours of concept sketches ( it’s a great way to term the word “doodle” ), 3 hours of actual design work and a couple of hours of ___(it’s painful)___ creative block. I could’ve used recreational drugs to get over it, but our friend Rahul had to set a bad example for all of us. Cocaine + Heroin ( a.k.a speedball ) + Jacuzzi + Alcohol = 14 days in Tihar Jail and acting like a goat in front of all the journalists and photogs. I mean whatever happened to all the “happy” rastas and hippies who at least looked cool smoking some old-school? Let the motherrrshipppp cometh!

There was absolutely no way one could’ve ever balanced that equation. Now Rahul has joined the ranks of absolute greatest of great Einherjers who have survived a nasty Valkyrie like speed-ball, from Anthony Keidis to Dave Mustaine Speed-balling has destroyed many a creative career ( and at times resurrected a few ), I wonder if Rahul wanted to break out as a stand-up comedian. We all know how hard it is to come up with Hedberg level non-sequitors. It’s either great humour or death ( when rockstars die of choking on their own drug induced vomit, I must admit, it is a bit of both )

With that I rest my case ( quite literally, where I presumed you all would associate the word “case” with “cranium” - my omage to Mitch ). Trust it was a great waste of time. There is no denying this fact, since you have read so much as to reach the end…you really were wasting your time… hence at least waste it with a dash of “greatness” so that your personified retrospection allows you to come back to this blog tomorrow with a squeaky clean conscience. Good night and good luck in bed with those nasty creepy crawlies.

[ The co. directors look at each other as the blog writers leave the conference room ( they are still looking at each other trying to guess what the other person had for breakfast, it’s that disturbing! ]

“The most important factor leading to the habile hand (and its thumb) is the freeing of the hands from their walking requirements - still so crucial for apes today, which in its turn was one of the consequences of the gradual pithecanthropoid and anthropoid adoption of the erect bipedal walking gait - and the simultaneous development of a larger anthropoid brain in the later stages. The opposable thumb has helped the human species develop more accurate fine motor skills.”

So it’s because of the opposable thumb that we, the intelligent human race went on to develop accurate fine motor skills to play tetris on level 21 and to annoy each other with a plethora of lewd jokes, silly trivia and the occassional love proposition via text messaging. What’s better than an opposable thumb? two opposable thumbs to SMS faster!

I am the kind of person that technology has to nag in order for me to accept it. I got my mobile phone 3 years after almost everyone in India had one & 6 months after the scenic fishing villages in Norway got their connections. I still wonder how nerdy friends of mine ( * I can see some inflamed egos & emotions on the horizon ) manage to send in SMS’ with 100+ characters in one go. I have started hating characters like “Z” and “S” because of the silly keypad structure. If there is an easy way to type ( to delineate this, with the word ‘type’ is to level upgrade the mundane action of SMSing to a proper crime ) .. I personally like to use the verb “paw” to accurately describe the action of SMSing” ) those end key characters.

So basically I am not a huge fan of new technology/gizmos, and that explains why I probably wasn’t born in Japan, the Lord Almighty knew it all too well. So if “x” ain’t broke, don’t fix it… rather don’t invent “y” when “x” ain’t broke in the first place - there was a risk of that line sounding redneckish so I added in the algebraic variables. The markets these days are flooded with new mobile phones, graphic cards, teeny ipod accessories & Tom Cruise movies. My theory of unnecessary change applies to everything around us, even filmstars. Tom Cruise was fine being a normal actor during the TopGun days, not so much the performance he delivered, as the lack of unnecessary performances ( ala his theories on impulsive love and scientology, which made him normal.. so.. why, why screw it up with Mission Impossible N when everything was alright! C’mon Mr.Cruise it’s time to do a serious movie again, even if it’s raining frogs in a biblical climax with vehement lines like “Respect the C*ck. I am tired of watching movies where missles are used to kill 1 human target. Rambo’s bow and arrow was an outrageous combination, but it was worth the effort & guns were still okay for a human sized target, but! Missile(s) = One Human > doesn’t work, isn’t fair! Stop the carnage!

My tastes are all about the precious things in life…the “timeless” and “classique” ( yes the one with the ‘que’ at the end ). The one thing which can’t be re-made… that elusive combination of everything; so perfect it transcends traditional boundaries & requirements of “change”… Something which doesn’t need re-invention coupled with a new marketing strategy every year to sell it to thousands of eager consumers, buyers, fans & morons; something which has already evolved to a stable, well structured… independant state…

Something or someone like Jean Claude Van Damme.

[ this is when all the grey haired company directors stand up in one motion and ask all of the new readers to go their separate ways if they don’t like what they are reading. If you feel like staying in the room, warming the soft chair cushion, go ahead make a comment while you are testing your little theories of heat exchange ]

* if your emotions were hurt, you’ve pretty much accepted the fact that you are nerdy.